|
ABOUT DICK
BIO & CAREER HIGHLIGHTS |
|
ADDRESS TO JOIN THE RICHARD CHEESE FANCLUB! Sign up here for updates about Richard Cheese CDs, shows, and other crap! Or, send an email to lounge@richardcheese.com |
|
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS Here, Richard Cheese himself personally answers some
frequently asked
questions about his music, his method, and his martinis.
Yes. While I
truly love my audiences and
enjoy meeting and/or groping my fans, I have been doing shows and gigs
and concert tours for ten long
years, so I've decided to take some time off from live performing.
I've also had some vocal chord problems lately, so I've been advised to
curtail my singing exploits before I do any irreversible damage.
And, I also need an eye operation (seriously!)...but I'll be fine. We will still be releasing new CDs, and I might play some occasional gigs in Vegas and a few cities where we have never played before (London, Palm Springs, etc.), but we won't be doing more live touring until further notice. I might be playing some shows in 2010/2011 with my new Hawaiian band, in support of our forthcoming album LAVAPALOOZA, but I'm not sure about that yet. I want to work on some other projects, such
as concert movie, a book, a videogame, and a
renewable space plane. I'll also be producing albums for some other
swingin' bands that you might enjoy. And, I'd like to get some
sleep. RC
1.2) Will you and your band still do high-paying corporate events and television gigs? Hell yes, I'm not stupid! For more info, visit the booking page at our "SHOWS+BOOKING" link.
Well, we would love to perform everywhere in the world, but since we're an independent band without a major label to cover tour costs, we have to wait until we get hired to play a show. You can help make this happen by finding us a nightclub or corporate event where we can play a high-paying gig. If you can get us a bunch of shows in the same area of the country, then we can afford to fly there, pay for hotel suites and minivan rentals, and buy hookers. Just kidding, it doesn't have to be a minivan. For more info, visit the booking info page at our "SHOWS+BOOKING" link. Warning: we're expensive!
1.3.2) When are you coming to play a show in England/Australia/Toozigoot? As soon as you fly us out there and get us work visas.
Because I'm not your monkey!
Sure.
Just go to our booking info page and all the information is there.
1.6) Will you play my party? Yes.
Just go to our booking info page and all the information is there.
1.7) Will you play my nightclub? Um, I think we covered this. Just go to our booking info page and all the information is there.
1.8) What if I want to book you for a show?
NO!!! GO
TO THE BOOKING PAGE!
1.10) So, I can just call you on that 818 phone number, to ask about a booking? You disgust me.
Don't worry, it's on the way. We send out our orders by
hand, the old-fashioned way, and since we're an independent band without
a big staff, it takes us a little extra time. Thank you for your
patience, and email us again in a week if it's not there. For
complete customer service, please visit
http://shop.richardcheese.com .
And while you're online, how about buying another CD, huh?
2.2) Will you send me an autographed picture? Maybe. Go read the info at our "CONTACT" page.
C'mon.
Our new albums "VIVA LA VODKA: RICHARD CHEESE LIVE," "OK BARTENDER," and "LAVAPALOOZA" are already on sale at shop.richardcheese.com! Fan club members receive these CDs months before they're released in stores! We'll might also be putting out some other albums in 2010/2011: "A LOUNGE SUPREME," "BACK IN BLACK TIE," "NUMBERS OF THE BEAST," and maybe more. To get a look at all of our CDs/albums, click the "CDs+CHEESE SHOP" link above, or please visit http://shop.richardcheese.com .
Well, I am sorry to say that those albums are not available. In fact, we have no idea what they are, and we can't answer any more questions about them. The only CD's that really exist are:
My CDs are available in retail stores, including Best Buy, FYE, and Hot Topic. You can also get them online at iTunes, and from web retailers like amazon.com and bn.com. And, of course, you can always buy my CDs and merchandise here at http://shop.richardcheese.com .
4.3) Do you have sheet music available for your versions of the songs on your CDs? No, sorry. We may put out a sheet music book
someday, but publishing such a book is cost prohibitive. If you
want us to transcribe a song and print sheet music for you, we can do it
for $500 per song. Seriously. That's the price. Yeah,
I know, it's outrageous. So don't do it. Fine.
Yes! You can download instrumental versions of some of our songs on iTunes! Just search for "Richard Cheese." We may put out some karaoke versions of our other CDs in the future, but not right now. It's not only expensive to make those fricking CD+G karaoke CDs, but there are also some legal hurdles involved with the use of displaying song lyrics. IF YOU ARE A KARAOKE CD+G PRODUCER and you can solve these problems for us, and it doesn't require me to do any work, send us an email and also some advance money.
Even though you're evidently too lazy to look it up for yourself in an on-line dictionary, here's a definition for you:
Let me talk to my accountants about this. Okay, I talked to my accountants, and they said no freaking way. We'd have to sell about 5,000 records at $10 each to break even on that deal, and I don't think there are 5,000 DJs who even have $10, because they spent it on WEED.
Sure, what the hell. But if it's for anything other than private, non-commercial use, then the real answer is probably no. If it were up to me, I'd say yes. But since we do not control the publishing of the original songs covered on our albums, separate permissions from the original songs' publishers are probably required. However, if it's just a little thing for your film class or tupperware party, I don't think anyone's going to sue you, if you're just kicking it casual, you know, G? In fact, don't even bother asking an attorney about this. Just wing it! Who cares! But if you decide to take this risk, DEFINITELY DON'T ASK US ABOUT IT. Once you ask, then we officially know about it, and we are therefore obligated to forbid it. So, don't ask, don't tell, and proceed at your own peril. Podcasters and YouTubers -- Wanna use our songs? Same deal as above: I wouldn't worry about it, but it's your ass, not mine. No, we can't send you free promotional copies of our CDs. Just go on iTunes, you cheapskate. And no, sorry, I will NOT appear on or be interviewed for your podcast. I did that once in Honolulu and I got into a lot of trouble! Film students, you may feel free to use our songs in your non-commercial class projects, but you no makee no money! Please send us a copy of the finished product on DVD, and you must NEVER attempt to sell it or charge admission. If you do, our attorneys will sue you harder and faster than a Sativa Rose scene. Seriously: don't ask us for permission, because we have to say no. Just chance it. Use our material at your own risk; prosecution of illegal uses and unauthorized exploitation may be pursued by the original artists, publishers, and labels; void where prohibited; the crow flies at midnight.
You mean typing the FAQs? About fifteen minutes.
Oh. Well, our first CD came out in October 2000, and we've been lounging against the machine ever since. But I've been lounge singing since I was knee-high to a grasshopper. Or was it a boilermaker?
Well, to be honest, it's a combination of
few things: In fact, back in 1982, when I worked in a
warehouse, me and the other workers used to do our best impressions of
the Rick
Moranis "Tom Monroe" sketch, in which the cheesey lounge singer was
smarmily crooning the Police song "De Do Do Do De Da Da Da" in
a white suit. I think that bit was
really the primary influence for our act. Of course, lounge singers have been
doing their own vintage versions of contemporary rock songs for years; Sinatra once did a
cover of "Downtown" by Petula Clark! Eeew!
Paul Anka ripped me off!
Yeah, he did. What a pain in my ass. Oh, thanks Paul, Mr. Millionaire, for horning in on my niche with your bland, overly produced slickathon of pukey mediocre tracks. And, gee, thanks for having that innovative cutting edge trendsetter Michael Buble perform a duet on the record, too. That was a stroke of genius. Say, as long as you're busy copying other people's concepts, why don't you go do a sing-a-long with the dead Nat King Cole? GET OFF MY STREET, ANKA!!!!
They're fine with it, especially since each
artist receives a royalty payment of 9cents for each Richard Cheese song
we sell!
Nope. Doing a remake of a song is legally allowed, as long as you give proper credit to the songwriters/publishers, as long as you don't change the lyrics, and as long as you pay the statutory royalty rate of 9.1cents per song per CD sold. For a CD such as I'D LIKE A VIRGIN, everytime we sell a CD, we send a total of $1.76 out to the various publishers. For digital releases of our songs (i.e. iTunes), we do have to obtain a digital distribution license, but that is just a formal permission and doesn't cost any money. Oh great, now some lawyer is going to read that sentence and realize they can start charging us for digital distribution licenses. Thanks a lot, FAQ reader!!! More info about this process can be obtained from The Harry Fox Agency at www.songfile.com.
No, you idiot. Weird Al Yankovic, who is a very
talented and hilarious entertainer and close personal friend of mine, does SONG PARODIES, in which he
changes the lyrics of the songs. My Richard Cheese & Lounge
Against The Machine band does COVERS, which
are simply new performances of the original songs. Our
arrangements remain faithful
to the original song's lyrics and musical composition. Please don't
call what we do "parody." We might satirize, bastardize, and
swankify, but we are not parodying.
Nope. That is some other guy. Funny story. When they started developing the TV series, the folks at MTV wanted to use Pat Boone's loungey version of "Crazy Train" for the opening theme. But, it would have cost them a ton of money to license Pat Boone's recording. So, the MTV producers thought it would be a good idea to have RICHARD CHEESE re-sing the song, and they would use it as the series theme. Well, MTV tried to reach me through my old record label, and I was never given the message, and my old record label refused their offer without asking me about it, so MTV hired someone else to sing it, a guy named Lewis LaMedica. Oh well, that's showbiz.
Here, read the Liner Notes from my "Sunny Side Of The Moon" album:
SO QUIT BUGGIN' ME WITH THIS QUESTION!
Not really. My musicians are so talented that they can re-arrange anything. Those guys are the kings! I get asked this question during interviews by small-minded reporters and unprepared radio DJs all the time, and really, it's a stupid premise for a question. I mean, it's like asking, "Have you ever done your job poorly and failed at it?" Why would anyone admit to something like that? Or, why should anyone be surprised that sometimes, things don't work? More specifically, if I chose songs that weren't working, then I wouldn't be a very good lounge singer, would I? It's just a really short-sighted and insulting question. Does every line of questioning have to degenerate into a scandal-mongering hit job? What, are you Chris Wallace on Fox? Fuck off, jackass. Next time someone asks me that question in an interview, I'm going to say, "Is there a woman you were in love with but she ended up having sex with someone better looking than you?"
No. Yes. Honestly, I just think some reporters don't even listen to my CDs or read the FAQs before the interviews. It's just lazy, empty journalism, and I think I'm not going to allow any more interviews. I usually get misquoted, insulted, and no one reads newspapers anymore anyway. Print is dead. Sayonara!
5.6) Why does your voice on your albums sound different after 2003? Because in 2003, I had a sinus coblation operation, and I also had my tonsils removed. This procedure opened up my nasal passages, which resulted in a slight change in my vocal sound. I also that year started using a cellphone, which resulted in a slight change in my sperm count.
5.7) Is that you singing "The Star Wars Cantina" Comedy Parody Song? Actually, no. That was done by Mark Jonathan Davis, the guy who portrays me. Here's a link for more info: mich.ideatown.com But please don't call the phone number in the video. Just laugh and move along. Move along.
5.8) Did you really write the song "Christmas In Las Vegas" on the "Silent Nightclub" album? Yes, I sure did! I made up the melody and the chorus lyrics in 2004 while I was driving to the supermarket. Then, I had my musical director Bobby Ricotta transcribe it on to sheet music, and a song was born. I wrote the lyrics in early 2006 at a Baja Fresh restaurant in Rancho Mirage, California, and we finished recording the song in the summer of 2006. You can read the lyrics in the LIBRARY section of our "EXTRA CHEESE" page.
Yes, every single one. It takes a LONG time, but damnit, you're worth it. Thanks for your patience, and please keep spreading the cheese.
Well, email me a picture of yourself, and if you're female, hot, 18, single, and local, you're next.
Yes, as long as you're really 18.
We fixed it. Believe me, when it's not working, it sucks for us, too. We think it won't crash anymore, keep your fingers crossed, as long as you're really 18.
I'm not your monkey!
6.3) Why isn't your YouTube page working? Because they're fucking with me.
6.4) Are you on FaceBook? Yes, www.facebook.com/richardcheese . FaceBook is the best way to communicate with me and my fans and my attorneys.
7.1) Where did you get your tiger-striped tuxedo? I bought my first tiger-striped jacket on Melrose in Hollywood in 2001, and had a tailor make some alterations to it. Then, I got another one, and then I couldn't find them anymore. I do, however, have about 100 yards of tiger-striped material, and you can buy a custom-made tux from me for $3500. Seriously. http://www.shop.richardcheese.com
7.2) Can I borrow your tiger-striped tuxe--- NO!
7.3) What about leopard-print jackets? Those are lame. Did a leopard maul Seigfried & Roy? No. It was a TIGER. Let's be accurate, people.
8.1) Is it okay if I burn your CDs and steal money directly out of your pocket? No, it's not okay at all. Go read the note about music piracy at our CHEESE SHOP page. And expect a call from my attorney.
9.1) What's your favorite thing to do in Vegas? Fuckin'.
9.1.1) Is a joke.
9.1.2) Will you pose for a photo with me at your show? Yeah, sure, as long as you promise to make me stand uncomfortably close to your liquor-breathed freakshow manfriend, and as long as you promise that you have no fucking clue how to operate your own goddamned camera, and as long as you promise to take the worst possible picture of my face, and spill a drink on my tuxedo in the process, and then try to get me to pose for another picture because the first one was blurry or you weren't smiling or you're just a needy timehog. Say Cheese!
9.2) How come you don't allow professional photographers at your concerts? Because cameras steal the soul. And because professional photographers like to take 500 pictures when they only need about three. And because some people who ask for press passes are, in fact, lousy photographers who just want to see a free concert, and the pictures never turn out well. And because there are already plenty of pictures of me on the internet, and you're not going to capture anything earth-shattering with your little camera at my silly lounge show, Ansel Adams.
9.3) Can I have free tickets to your show because I'm poor, young, and/or greedy? Yes. I mean, no.
9.4) Can I have free tickets to your show because I'm hot, young, and/or easy? Yes. As long as you look like this:
Yes.
That's not a question, is it?
| |
|
|
