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richardcheese.com
TRAVELLING
TO LAS
VEGAS
FOR
THE FIRST TIME?
Here are some of
Dick's Vegas Tips
for your next trip to the most fabulous city in the
world!
Las Vegas, Nev!
1) Flying into Vegas? Don't bother renting a car, if
you're just visiting the strip, use taxis. Taxi lines are sometimes long, so plan
ahead so you don't have to spend so much time standing behind drunks and
hen parties.
2) It's always preferable
to stay on The Strip, so you're near all the action. The closer
you get to the airport, the newer and more congested it gets; it's
better to stay near the original Strip casinos (Caesar's,
Flamingo, etc.) to preserve some of the traditional experience, and you'll get
some welcome relief from the new "amusement park" corporate properties
(Luxor, Excalibur, etc.) and their tourist clientele.
Of course, the Hard Rock, the Palms, the W, and some of the hipper hotels are fun,
too.
For hotel rooms on a budget, we also recommend the
Hyatt Place and the Gold Coast.
Here are some reservation
numbers for the strip area:
Hard Rock Hotel 800-693-7625 702-693-5000
Amerisuites 702-369-3366
Casino Royale 800-854-7666 702-737-3500
Gold Coast 888-402-6278
Harrah's 800-634-6765 702-369-5000
Stardust Hotel 800-634-6757
Treasure Island 800-944-7444
Imperial Palace 800-634-6441
MGM Grand Hotel 800-929-1111
Caesar's Palace 800-634-6661
Mirage 800-627-6667
Tropicana 800-634-4000
Venetian 888-283-6423 702-414-1000
Flamingo 800-732-2111 702-733-3111
Mandalay Bay 877-632-7000
Las Vegas Hilton 702-732-5111
Aladdin Hotel 800-634-3424 702-785-5555
Bally's Hotel 800-634-3434 702-739-4111
New York New York 702-740-6050
Monte Carlo 800-311-8999
Paris 888-266-5687
Rio 800-752-9746
Sunset Station Hotel 702-432-7777 (15minutes off the strip, but a
nice place)
3) Don't eat at the buffets unless
you want to get fat and sick. The food is okay (not fantastic,
just okay), but you're better off trying some of the coffee shops and
"big name" restaurants. Dick recommends Mr. Lucky's Restaurant
(open 24hours) inside the Hard Rock Hotel, and the coffee shops in
Treasure Island and The Mirage. PF Chang's at the Aladdin has
great Asian dishes, you can't beat Benihana at the Las Vegas Hilton, and
Nobu at the Hard Rock Hotel has the best sushi in town. Mandalay Bay has a
lot of restaurants, including the Red, White & Deli, but don't go to
StripSteak, because it's really fucking outrageously expensive.
Like, $182 for a steak. I AM NOT FUCKING KIDDING YOU.
4) Dick's don't miss attractions:
The Hard Rock Hotel -
greatest casino hotel in town, especially with their swanky new
wing
Penn & Teller at The Rio
( www.pennandteller.com )
All of the Art Galleries
(at
The Venetian, Bellagio, and the Wynn)
The Bowling Alley at The
GoldCoast
The French Bistro
restaurant at
The Wynn
Downtown Fremont Street
Experience (light show changes every hour, real cool)
Shopping at Caesar's Palace
Forum Shops and The Venetian Canals
Ride the diagonal elevator at The
Luxor (but don't eat there!)
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The Atomic Bomb Testing Museum
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The Liberace Museum
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Rehab Pool Party at The Hard Rock Hotel
-
M&M Store, and don't
miss the movie
-
Best Strip clubs: Glitter
Gulch, Club Paradise, Olympic Gardens
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Best Dive Bar: DoubleDown
Saloon
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Best Lounge Singer: Richard
Cheese
5)
Dating tips:
That's not her real name.
-
That's not her real phone number.
-
That's not her real rack.
-
That superhot girl who walked up to you
at the bar? Hooker.
-
That superhot girl who walked up to you
at the taxi line? Trannie.
-
That superhot girl who walked up to you
at the Richard Cheese show? Mine!
6) Gambling tips:
Don't play anything but
blackjack and craps, slots
are a waste
of time/money.
-
Wanna play poker? You're a
douchebag.
Go downtown for craps, play
at the $1 and $2 tables.
They give you free drinks
when you gamble---because the
drunker you get, the more you gamble, so watch
out.
Las Vegas was built using
the money that people
bet and lost...they couldn't build all those
hotels
and casinos if everyone won, could they?
So don't gamble, you idiot.
6) Trip planning:
Give yourself at least three days
to really enjoy your trip. Any less, and you'll just be tired the
whole time.
Give yourself four days if you want to see a lot of shows
and go shopping.
Give yourself five days if you want to include a visit to
Hoover Dam and it's stunning new bridge
(totally amazing and cool, but you need to rent a car to get there).
Give yourself a week if you want to get sick of Vegas and
never want to come back ever again because you've seen it
all
and you can't stand it anymore plus you're broke plus you caught
chlamydia.
7) Viva Las Vegas!
Here are some songs that you should play in your car while
driving to Vegas:
ELVIS PRESLEY - VIVA LAS VEGAS
DEAN MARTIN - WHO'S GOT THE ACTION
TOM JONES - IT'S NOT UNUSUAL
FRANK SINATRA - LUCK BE A LADY
STEELY DAN - DO IT AGAIN
TONY BENNETT - RAGS TO RICHES
SHIRLEY BASSEY - GOLDFINGER
BRIAN SETZER ORCHESTRA - TOWN WITHOUT PITY
BOBBY DARIN - MACK THE KNIFE
SAMMY DAVIS, JR. - FABULOUS PLACES
WAYNE NEWTON - DANKE SCHANE
RICHARD CHEESE - CHRISTMAS IN LAS VEGAS
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