FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Here are some answers to frequently asked questions about Richard Cheese, his music, and his martinis.
 

1.1) Is Richard Cheese really retiring?
1.2) When is Richard Cheese coming to play a show in my town?
1.3) Why won't Richard play one more show in my town for me?
1.4) Will Richard Cheese still do corporate events and TV gigs?
1.5) Will you play my wedding?
1.6) Will you play my party?
1.7) Will you play my nightclub?
1.8) What if I want to book you for a show?
2.1) Where the hell is my CD? I ordered it a long time ago!
2.2) Will Richard Cheese send me an autographed picture?
3.1) Why is the sky blue?
4.1) When is Richard Cheese's next new CD coming out?
4.2) Where can I get the other CDs I have heard about?
4.3) Do you have sheet music available?
4.4) Do you have karaoke versions of your songs available?
4.5) What does the word "Aperitif" mean?
4.6) Would you ever put out vinyl versions of your CDs, for DJs?
4.7) Can I use one of your songs on my podcast, indie film, or school project?
5.1.1) How long have you been doing Richard Cheese?
5.2.2) Where did you get the idea to do this act?
5.2.3) What about that Paul Anka "Rock Swings" record?
5.2.4) How about that Old Spice "Hungry Like The Wolf" commercial?
5.3.1) What do the original artists think of you?
5.3.2) Do you have to get their permission to use their songs?
5.4) Was that you singing the opening theme song for "The Osbournes"?
5.5) Is there a song that you couldn't do lounge-style?
5.5.1)  How do you decide which songs to cover?
5.6) Is that you singing "The Star Wars Cantina" Comedy Parody Song?
5.7) Did you really write the song "Christmas In Las Vegas"?
6.1.1) Does Richard Cheese really read the emails he gets?
6.2.1) Is that really Richard Cheese on myspace.com/richardcheese?
6.2.2) Why is your myspace page not working?
6.2.3) Why isn't my favorite song on your myspace page?
89.3.4)  Hey, there are more questions below that aren't in this list, huh?
 

► HERE ARE RICHARD CHEESE'S PERSONAL ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS.

1.1)  Are you really retiring?

Yes, I am hanging up my microphone very soon.  While I truly love my audiences and enjoy meeting and/or groping my fans, I have been doing shows and gigs and concert tours for eight long years, so I've decided to take some time off from live performing.  I've also had some vocal chord problems lately, so I've been advised to curtail my singing exploits before I do any irreversible damage.  And, I also need an eye operation (seriously!)...but I'll be fine.

So, after I perform one last round of shows in 2008-2009 in the U.S., Canada, Europe, Australia, and maybe a couple other farflung locales, I will be putting away my tiger-striped tuxedo forever.

We will still be releasing new CDs, and I might play some occasional gigs in Vegas, but I won't be doing more live touring until further notice.  I want to work on some other projects, such as our Richard Cheese documentary film, a book, a videogame, and a renewable space plane.  I'm also producing albums for some other swingin' bands that you might enjoy.  And, I'd like to get some sleep.

To receive news about our future projects, please enter your email address in the form at top left to sign-up for fan club updates.

I have loved performing for my kind fans and playing that swingin' live lounge music over the years, and I and my band appreciate your continued support.  I do hope to return to the stage in 2036 as a DNA replicated clonebot.

Swank you very much!

1.2)  Will you and your band still do high-paying corporate events and television gigs?

Hell yes, I'm not stupid!  For more info, visit the booking page at our "SHOWS+BOOKING" link.

1.3.1)  When are you coming to play a show in my town?

Well, we would love to perform everywhere in the world, but since we're an independent band without a major label to cover tour costs, we have to wait until we get hired to play a show.  You can help make this happen by finding us a nightclub or corporate event where we can play a high-paying gig.  If you can get us a bunch of shows in the same area of the country, then we can afford to fly there, pay for hotel suites and minivan rentals, and buy hookers.  Just kidding, it doesn't have to be a minivan.  For more info, visit the booking info page at our "SHOWS+BOOKING" link.  Warning:  we're expensive!

1.3.2)  When are you coming to play a show in England/Australia/Toozigoot?

As soon as you fly us out there and get us work visas.

1.4)  Why won't you play a show in MY town for ME?

Because I'm not your monkey!

1.5)  Will you play my wedding?

Sure.  Just go to our booking info page and all the information is there.

 

1.6)  Will you play my party?

Yes.  Just go to our booking info page and all the information is there.

 

1.7) Will you play my nightclub?

Um, I think we covered this.  Just go to our booking info page and all the information is there.

1.8) What if I want to book you for a show?

Look, this is the last time I'm going to tell you.  Go to the booking info page.
 

1.9)  Is it okay if i just send you an email asking you to book a show without reading the booking page?

NO!!!  GO TO THE BOOKING PAGE!
 

1.10)  So, I can just call you on that 818 phone number, to ask about a booking?

You disgust me.

2.1)  Where the hell is my CD?  I ordered it a long time ago!

Don't worry, it's on the way. We send out our orders by hand, the old-fashioned way, and since we're an independent band without a big staff, it takes us a little extra time.  Thank you for your patience, and email us again in a week if it's not there.  For complete customer service, please visit the "CONTACT" page at our richardcheese.com website.  And while you're online, how about buying another CD, huh?

 

2.2)  Will you send me an autographed picture?

Maybe.  Go read the info at our "CONTACT" page.

3.1)  Why is the sky blue?

C'mon.

4.1)  When is the next new Richard Cheese CD coming out?

Our new 2007 album "DICK AT NITE" is already on sale!!  And, we will be releasing four all-new CDs in 2008/2009!  So far, the new album titles are probably going to be:

SWANK THAT
BACK IN BLACK TIE
O.K. BARTENDER
LAVAPALOOZA

4.2)  Where can I get the albums KID A FLAT, A RUSH OF DICK TO THE HEAD, GOOD EVENING NASTY, TO THE FIVE CASINOS, THE PASTEURIZING, LET IT BRIE, and the other CDs I have heard about?

Well, I am sorry to say that those albums are not available.  In fact, we have no idea what they are, and we can't answer any more questions about them.

The only CD's that really exist are:

LOUNGE AGAINST THE MACHINE (2000)
TUXICITY (2002)
I'D LIKE A VIRGIN (2004)
APERITIF FOR DESTRUCTION (2005)
THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE MOON:  THE BEST OF RICHARD CHEESE (2006)
SILENT NIGHTCLUB (2006)
DICK AT NITE (2007)
INDIANA JONES THEME (SINGLE) (2008)

My CDs are available in stores like Best Buy, FYE, and Hot Topic.  You can also get them online at iTunes, and from web retailers like amazon.com and bn.com.  And, of course, you can always buy my CDs and merchandise here at richardcheese.com. 

Right now, you can PRE-ORDER my next 3 new albums.  Visit http://members.richardcheese.com   for info.

4.3)  Do you have sheet music available for your versions of the songs on your CDs?

No, sorry.  We may put out a sheet music book someday, but publishing such a book is cost prohibitive.  If you want us to transcribe a song and print sheet music for you, we can do it for $500 per song.  Seriously.  That's the price.  Yeah, I know, it's outrageous.  So don't do it.  Fine.

4.4)  Do you have karaoke versions of your songs available?

Yes!  You can download instrumental versions of the songs on my "Dick At Nite" CD on iTunes!  Just search for "Richard Cheese."

We may put out some karaoke versions of our other CDs in the future, but not right now.  It's not only expensive to make those fricking CD+G karaoke CDs, but there are also some legal hurdles involved with the use of displaying song lyrics.  IF YOU ARE A KARAOKE CD+G PRODUCER and you can solve these problems for us, and it doesn't require me to do any work, send us an email and also some advance money.

4.5)  In the title of your album "Aperitif For Destruction," what does the word "Aperitif" mean?

Even though you're evidently too lazy to look it up for yourself in an on-line dictionary, here's a definition for you:

4.6)  Would you ever put out vinyl versions of your CDs, for DJs?

Let me talk to my accountants about this.  Okay, I talked to my accountants, and they said no freaking way.  We'd have to sell about 5,000 records at $10 each to break even on that deal, and I don't think there are 5,000 DJs who even have $10, because they spent it all on WEED.

4.7)  Can I use one of your songs in my school film, podcast, YouTube video, website, home video, flash project, or porno movie?

Sure, what the hell.

But if it's for anything other than private, non-commercial use, then the real answer is probably no.  If it were up to me, I'd say yes.  But since we do not control the publishing of the original songs covered on our albums, separate permissions from the original songs' publishers are probably required.  However, if it's just a little thing for your film class or tupperware party, I don't think anyone's going to sue you if you're just kicking it casual, you know, G?

In fact, don't even bother asking an attorney about this.  Just wing it!  Who cares!  But if you decide to take this risk, DEFINITELY DON'T ASK US ABOUT IT.  Once you ask, then we officially know about it, and we are therefore obligated to forbid it.  So, don't ask, don't tell, and proceed at your own peril.

Podcasters -- Wanna use our songs?  Same deal as above:  I wouldn't worry about it, but it's your ass, not mine.  No, we can't send you free promotional copies of our CDs.  Just go on iTunes, you cheapskate.  And no, sorry, I  will NOT appear on or be interviewed for your podcast.  He did that once in Honolulu and he got into a lot of trouble!

Film students, you may feel free to use our songs in your non-commercial class projects, but you no makee money!  Please send us a copy of the finished product on DVD, and you must NEVER attempt to sell it or charge admission.  If you do, our attorneys will sue you harder and faster than a Sativa Rose scene.

Seriously:  Use our material at your own risk; illegal uses and exploitation will be prosecuted; void where prohibited; the crow flies at midnight.

5.1.1)  How long have you been doing this?

You mean typing the FAQs?  About fifteen minutes.

5.2.1)  No, how long have you been doing this whole Richard Cheese band thing?

Oh.  Well, our first CD came out in October 2000, and we've been playing shows ever since.  But I've been lounge singing since I was knee-high to a grasshopper.  Or was it a boilermaker?

5.2.2)  Where did you get the idea to do this act?

Well, to be honest, it's a combination of few things:
(a) carrying on the lounge singer tradition established by Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin and Tony Bennett, in which contemporary standards are performed in a swingin' traditional pop vocal style;
(b) following the example of Brian Setzer's 17-piece Brian Setzer Orchestra, which performed big band versions of his own early-career Stray Cats rock songs like "Rock This Town" and "Stray Cat Strut";
and
(c) blatantly stealing from Bill Murray's "Nick Winters" character on Saturday Night Live in the 1970's, Joe Piscopo's Sinatra impersonation from 1980's SNL, and the "Tom Monroe" pop vocalist character that Rick Moranis did on SCTV in the 1980's.

In fact, back in the 1980s, when I worked in a warehouse, me and the other workers used to do our best impressions of a Rick Moranis sketch where he was singing "De Do Do Do De Da Da Da" in that cheesey style; I think that was really the primary influence.  Of course, lounge singers have been doing their own versions of rock songs for years; Sinatra once did a cover of "Downtown" by Petula Clark!  Eeew!


Some other artists who are known for their re-arranged versions of popular songs include:

Jack Jones ("New Jack Swing" album)
Pat Boone ("In A Metal Mood" album)
Marty & Elayne & The Dresden Room (lounge covers of pop hits, as seen in the movie "Swingers")
The Mike Flowers Pops (60's version of Oasis "Wonderwall")
The Joshua Trio (lounge versions of U2 songs)
Steve Allen (dramatic readings of rock lyrics)
Frank Bennett (Australian big band singer)
Lounge-A-Palooza (compilation of lounge-style rock covers)
Black Velvet Flag (lounge style punk covers)
The Recliners (lounge style rock covers)
Prozac For Loves (lounge style rock covers)
Paul Anka ("Rock Swings" and "Classic Songs: My Way" album, he totally ripped me off!)
Michael Buble (also ripped me off)
Jaymz Bee & The Royal Jelly Orchestra (retro covers of rock hits)
The Osbournes (sitcom-theme-style version of "Crazy Train")
El Vez (retro remakes of Elvis songs)
Dread Zeppelin (Elvis covers of Led Zeppelin songs)
The Nylons (doo-wop covers of rock hits)
Weird Al Yankovic (polka medleys of contemporary songs)
Devo (easy listening versions of their own songs)
Brian Setzer Orchestra (big band versions of Stray Cats songs)
Richard Belzer (Rolling Stones "Satisfaction" done lounge style)
Will Farrell (as "Goulet" on SNL)
Joe Piscopo (as Frank Sinatra on SNL / 1982 single "I Love Rock N Roll")
Rick Moranis (as crooner Tom Monroe on SCTV)
Bill Murray (as lounge singer Nick Winters on SNL)
Paul the 55-year-old-intern (at KROQ/Los Angeles)

5.2.3)  What about that Paul Anka "Rock Swings" record?

Paul Anka ripped me off!

5.2.4)  And then he put out another album, "Classic Songs My Way," in 2007, huh?

Yeah, he did.  What a pain in my ass.  Oh, thanks Paul, Mr. Millionaire, for horning in on my niche with your bland, overly produced slickathon of pukey mediocre tracks.  And, gee, thanks for having that innovative cutting edge trendsetter Michael Buble perform a duet on the record, too.  That was a stroke of genius.  Say, as long as you're busy copying other people's concepts, why don't you go do a sing-a-long with the dead Nat King Cole?

5.3.1)  What do the original artists think of you doing covers of their songs?

They're fine with it, especially since each artist receives a royalty payment of 9cents for each Richard Cheese song we sell!

We've had some great feedback from artists who truly call themselves Richard Cheese fans, including Beck, Bono, Papa Roach, Disturbed, Sir Mix-A-Lot, The Killers, Chris Martin from Coldplay, Rush, Noodles from Offspring, Mystikal, Fred Schneider of the B-52's, Wes and Puddle Of Mudd, Korn, Serj from System Of A Down, the bass player from No Doubt, Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit, The Toyes, and many others.  Travis Barker from Blink182 liked us so much that he hired us to entertain at his first wedding!  Brian Setzer hired us to play in his living room for a Christmas Party!  And, bands like Foo Fighters and Jet and the Red Hot Chili Peppers have been playing our CDs at their concerts before the show starts!  Thanks fellas!
 

5.3.2)  Do you have to get their permission to include their songs on your CDs?

Nope.  Doing a remake of a song is legally allowed, as long as you give proper credit to the songwriters/publishers, and as long as you pay the statutory royalty rate of 9.1cents per song per CD sold.  For a CD such as I'D LIKE A VIRGIN, everytime we sell a CD, we send a total of $1.76 out to the various publishers. 

For digital releases of our songs (i.e. iTunes), we do have to obtain a digital distribution license, but that is just a formal permission and doesn't cost any money.  Oh great, now some lawyer is going to read that sentence and realize they can start charging us for digital distribution licenses.  Thanks a lot, FAQ reader!!!

More info about this process can be obtained from The Harry Fox Agency at www.songfile.com.

5.3.3)  So this isn't like Weird Al having to get permission from the original artists?

No, you idiot.  Weird Al Yankovic, who is a very talented and hilarious entertainer and close personal friend of mine, does SONG PARODIES, in which he changes the lyrics of the songs.  My Richard Cheese & Lounge Against The Machine band does COVERS, which are simply new performances of the original songs.  Our arrangements remain faithful to the original song's lyrics and musical composition.  Please don't call what we do "parody."  We might satirize, bastardize, and swankify, but we are not parodying.

And stop comparing me to Weird Al!

He's rich!  I'm not!

5.4.1)  Was that you singing the opening theme song for "The Osbournes" on MTV?

Nope.  That is some other guy.

Funny story.

When they started developing the TV series, the folks at MTV wanted to use Pat Boone's loungey version of "Crazy Train" for the opening theme.  But, it would have cost them a ton of money to license Pat Boone's recording.  So, the MTV producers thought it would be a good idea to have RICHARD CHEESE re-sing the song, and they would use it as the series theme.  Well, MTV tried to reach me through my old record label, and I was never given the message, and my old record label refused their offer without asking me about it, so MTV hired someone else to sing it, a guy named Lewis LaMedica.  Oh well, that's showbiz.

5.5.1)  How do you decide which songs to cover?

Here, read the Liner Notes from my "Sunny Side Of The Moon" album:

Whether I'm strolling down a street, walking through a casino, or waking up in a whorehouse, I always feel so blessed when fans tell me how much they enjoy our music. I'm grateful and glad to hear their kind words, pose for a picture (even though the flash never ever ever ever EVER works), and answer their questions.

People always ask me, "Richard Cheese—is that your real name?" And I say, "Of course—why would I make up a name like that? What, are you an idiot?"
Many of my fans also ask me, "Hey Dick, if I'm going to have sex with one of your groupies, should I use a condom? Or two?"

But the question I hear most is, "How do you pick the songs for your CD's? What is it about a particular number that makes it right for your unique and trademarked brand of masterful swankification?"

Well, that's actually two questions. Nevertheless, I will answer them both, simultaneously, with this simple response: I don't know. I just don't know.
When we're looking for songs to interpret, I guess I'm searching for that something special: that unforgettable line, or phrase, or feel...that certain je nais parle pas which turns a simple song into an enduring standard. You won't find it in the sheet music, on the piano keys, or under the stage lights. It appears out of nowhere, like a long lost love; it whispers in your ear, kicks you in the guts, and sends you home with a note pinned to your heart which reads, "Remember," written with a Sharpee.

In other words, stop asking me this question, jerkface. Don't ask how the magic happens; don't try to figure out how they saw the lady in half; and don't call the cops just because I grabbed your girlfriend's chi-chi during the second set. Don't analyze it, man. Just trust it, live it, believe in The Cheese, and let the music and me do what we do best: lounge, baby.

Of course, when I say we, I am also referring to that talented team of seasoned musicians, recording engineers, and cocktail waitresses who have worked so hard to make it all sound so easy. To those dedicated professionals who have helped make all of those albums, concerts, broadcasts, and table dances possible, I say a heartfelt thank you, and I apologize again that I spent your paychecks on hooch. Whoops!

You know, in these crazy times, what with the hurricanes and earthquakes and tsunamis and Republicans, we must remember that, at least, the music is always there for us, and always will be. Wherever you go, whoever you do, there is, waiting faithfully for you at the end of the day, a great lyric, a memorable melody, and a happenin' tune. A beloved song is your loyal companion, your old standby, your home away from home, an ally in your corner. Yes, friends, you can always count on the music, the one language that everyone, everywhere understands. Are you listening, Gargamel?

And, so, with your permission, we've assembled a few of our favorite favorites for your listening pleasure. Some are old, some are new, and all of them are chock full of that swing thing that we bring. These are the songs that mean something to me, and I hope they become an important part of your life, too. So play them on your stereo, or your peapod, or whatever the hell you huffers are listening to these days...and let the music heal you.

Broke up with your gal? Listen to "Creep." Work got you down? Put on "People Equals Shit." Crushed by the repressive imperialistic crapitalism of a ruthless elitist theocracy? Try a little "Fight For Your Right (To Party)."

On some days, these songs may be the only lights you can find to help illuminate that big dark nightclub we call life. But that's okay...because even if the bar is closed, and the showgirls have gone home, I'll still be there to sing for you... and for me.

Remember....candy is dandy, liquor is quicker, but cheddar is better.

Your lounge singin' pal,

RC

P.S. Just because this is a Greatest Hits album doesn't mean you don't have to buy the rest of my CDs. Buy them, fuckers! Seriously! I am so broke it's pathetic! Do you know how much it costs to dry-clean a tiger-striped tuxedo thirty fucking times a year? Have you ever seen the bar tab after a gig with a full horn section? And let's not forget the private detectives, the antibiotics, and the bail bonds! Just go to my website, buy one of everything, and help me get the white devil off my back!

SO QUIT BUGGIN' ME WITH THIS QUESTION!

5.5.2)  Is there a song that you have tried to cover, but couldn't make it work lounge-style?

Not really.  My musicians are so talented that they can re-arrange anything.  Those guys are the kings!

I get asked this question by reporters and DJs all the time, and really, it's a stupid premise for a question.  I mean, it's like asking, "Have you ever done your job poorly and failed at it?"  Why would anyone admit to something like that?  Or, why should anyone be surprised that sometimes, things don't work?  More specifically, if I chose songs that weren't working, then I wouldn't be a very good lounge singer, would I?  It's just a really short-sighted and insulting question.  Does every line of questioning have to degenerate into a scandal-mongering hit job?  What, are you Chris Wallace on Fox?  Fuck off, jackass.

Next time someone asks me that question in an interview, I'm going to say, "Is there a woman you were in love with but she ended up having sex with someone better looking than you?" 

5.6)  Is that you singing "The Star Wars Cantina" Comedy Parody Song?

Actually, no.  That was done by Mark Jonathan Davis, the guy who plays me.  Here's a link for more info:  mich.ideatown.com   But please don't call the phone number in the video.  Just laugh and move along.

5.7)  Did you really write the song "Christmas In Las Vegas" on the "Silent Nightclub" album?

Yes, I sure did!  I made up the melody and the chorus lyrics in 2004 while I was driving to the supermarket.  Then, I had my musical director Bobby Ricotta transcribe it on to sheet music, and a song was born.  I wrote the lyrics in early 2006 at a Baja Fresh restaurant in Rancho Mirage, California, and we finished recording the song in the summer of 2006.  You can read the lyrics in the LIBRARY section of our "EXTRA CHEESE" page.

6.1.1)  Do you really read the emails you get?

Yes, every single one.  It takes a LONG time, but damnit, you're worth it.  Thanks for your patience, and please keep spreading the cheese.

6.1.2)  I signed up on the "PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH RICHARD CHEESE" list at one of your shows.  How do I get this sex?

Well, email me a picture of yourself, and if you're female, hot, single, 18 or older, and local, you're next.

6.2.1)  Is that really Richard Cheese on myspace.com/richardcheese?

Yes, as long as you're really 18.

6.2.2)  Why are your myspace pages not working?

We fixed it.  Believe me, when it's not working, it sucks for us, too.  We think it won't crash anymore, keep your fingers crossed, as long as you're really 18.

6.2.3)  Why isn't my favorite song on your myspace page?

I'm not your monkey!

6.3)  Why isn't your YouTube page working?

Because they're fucking with me.

6.4)  Are you on FaceBook?

I think so, but I don't think anyone cares.

7.1)  Where did you get your tiger-striped tuxedo?

I bought my first tiger-striped jacket on Melrose in Hollywood in 2001, and had a tailor make some alterations to it.  Then, I got another one, and then I couldn't find them anymore.  I do, however, have about 100 yards of tiger-striped material, and you can buy a custom-made tux from me for $3500.  Seriously.

7.2)  Can I borrow your tiger-striped tu---

NO!

7.3)  What about leopard-print jackets?

Those are lame.  Did a leopard maul Seigfried & Roy?  No.  It was a TIGER.  Let's be respectful, people.

8.1)  Is it okay if I burn your CDs and steal money directly out of your pocket?

No, it's not okay at all.  Go read the note about music piracy at our CHEESE SHOP page.  And expect a call from my attorney.

9.1)  What's your favorite thing to do in Vegas?

Fuckin'.

9.1.1)  Is a joke.

9.1.2)  Will you pose for a photo with me at your show?

Yeah, sure, as long as you promise to make me stand uncomfortably close to your liquor-breathed freakshow manfriend, and as long as you promise that you have no fucking clue how to operate your own goddamned camera, and as long as you promise to take the worst possible picture of my face, and spill a drink on my tuxedo in the process.  Say Cheese!

9.2)  How come you don't allow professional photographers at your concerts?

Because cameras steal the soul.

9.3)  Can I have free tickets to your show because I'm poor, young, and/or greedy?

Yes.  I mean, no.

9.4)  Can I have free tickets to your show because I'm hot, young, and/or easy?

Yes.  As long as you look like this:

10.1)  Are you just making up extra questions so your FAQ will seem more comprehensive?

Yes.

11.1)  It's not working.

That's not a question, is it?

12.1)  Nope.