You know, folks, there are a lot of crazy things going on in the world today, what with all the terrorist attacks, school shootings, amber alerts, boat hijackings, overdoses, oppression of our civil liberties, and what not.  Indeed, life sometimes seems like it's spinning out of control.

And so, I've created THE RICHARD CHEESE HAPPY CLUB, because I know that MY FANS WOULD NEVER DO ANY OF THAT SHIT.

Here's how it works:  you join the Richard Cheese Happy Club, and you promise that you won't do any of the stuff in the list below.  And, if we get enough members, like 6 billion, then there won't be any more problems in the world.  Sounds like a good plan, huh?

So, please do me a favor and don't do any of this stuff:

Killing people
Killing yourself
Raping anyone
Wounding anyone with a nailgun
Beating your wife
Cutting off your husband's penis
Being a bully
Shooting your classmates
Driving too slow in the left lane
Having sex with one of your teachers
Having sex with one of your students
Having sex with five of your students
Stealing
Not paying your taxes
Spreading STDs because you're irresponsible
Doing drugs
Drowning your pregnant wife
Lying
Hogging the washer/dryers at the laundry
Denying funding to NASA's threatening asteroid search
Throwing cigarette butts out of your car
Smoking period
Kidnapping and/or molesting children
Cheating on your spouse
Punching anyone
Leaving your dog in a hot car
Coughing near my food at a restaurant
Hoarding clothes when there are poor people in the world
Pissing on the toilet seat
Voting for Republicans
Making racial slurs
Wasting electricity
Keying cars
Littering
Stalking anyone
Operating a fax spam business
Fraudulenty underfilling prescriptions
Squandering gasoline/oil
Talking loud on your cellphone in public
Parking crooked
Killing a pregnant woman and stealing her baby from the womb
Rubbernecking
Decapitating someone's pet and giving its head as a Valentine's gift
Putting basil on the pizza when I fucking said no basil
Installing speed bumps in any parking lot
Vandalism
Cruel Pranks
Farting on the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway
Making too much noise on your balcony next door to me
Sprinkling parsley on everything
Sitting in the back room of the Verizon Wireless store while customers are waiting
Adjusting my mirrors and seat even if you're only driving my car for 15 seconds
Not going when the light is green
Writing a check at the grocery store, ever
Dog fighting
Being selfish
Stabbing people
Cutting in line
Standing too close to the baggage carousel
Robbing places
Coveting diamonds
Beating someone with a baby
Walking when it clearly says DON'T WALK
Discriminating against others
Setting fires
Showing porn to minors
Attacking peace officers
Carjacking
Believing in creationism
Complaining about this list
Blowing up a train full of innocent people
Price gouging
Persecuting ethnic groups
Ignoring doctors orders
Yielding to jaywalkers
Oppressing freedoms
Abandoning pets
Not carrying Hostess Cupcakes in your convenience store
Standing in front of me at a concert
Refusing to heat the swimming pool year-round
Tailgating
Telling me about your cat

 

Now seriously...I don't want any of my fans committing suicide, shooting people, burning down churches, putting an empty bottle under someone's tire, or anything else like that.  Let's all just lounge, okay?

Thanks for being cool.

–RC

SIGN UP FOR THE RICHARD CHEESE HAPPY CLUB BY ENTERING YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS IN THE FORM ABOVE.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  WE ARE ALL FRIENDS.

Established February 2007.