Welcome to the Richard Cheese library, where you can find documents and literature from the annals (careful!) of Richard Cheese.

Scroll down to see LYRICS, LETTERS, THE "LOUNGE OF FAME," PRESS RELEASES, DICK'S "SAY WHAT KARAOKE?" DIARY, and the MONTY PYTHON "CHEESE SHOP" SKETCH.

Richard Cheese's 2006 CD "Silent Nightclub" includes his first all-new ORIGINAL song, "CHRISTMAS IN LAS VEGAS."  This swingin' holiday hit is destined to become a Christmas classic!  Here are the lyrics:

CHRISTMAS IN LAS VEGAS by Richard Cheese

Christmas in Las Vegas
Decorate your tree with chips
Let's roll a yo beneath the mistletoe
While that angel strips

Rudolph sold the sled, now he's betting on red
In a casino made out of gingerbread
Christmas in Las Vegas
It's a trip!

The wise men are rolling sevens
The elves are doubling down
Light a candle, and pull the handle
I love that jingling sound

Every showgirl and boy ride in a sleigh of joy
Pulled by eight tiny tigers eating Siegfried & Roy
Christmas in Las Vegas
What a town!

Santa brought me two aces
I wonder if I should split?
Hey waitress, bring me a drink, while I think
What would Jesus hit?

The strip lights are all twinkling
There's no room at the inn
But because 'tis the season
They'll comp a suite for Mary at the Wynn!

Christmas in Las Vegas
It's Bethlehem with Bling!

Let's hope the dealer brings four newborn kings
'Cause my baby needs a brand new pair of five golden rings

Christmas in Las Vegas really swings!
Cha cha cha ching

I said Christmas in Las Vegas really swings!

CHRISTMAS IN LAS VEGAS by RICHARD CHEESE & LOUNGE AGAINST THE MACHINE
from the album "SILENT NIGHTCLUB"
WRITTEN BY MARK JONATHAN DAVIS
PUBLISHED BY IDEATOWNUSA RECORDINGS (ASCAP)
(C) COPYRIGHT 2006 IDEATOWN ENTERTAINMENT / SURFDOG RECORDS
www.richardcheese.com

Here are some of the letters which have been included inside Richard Cheese's CDs.

► SILENT NIGHTCLUB

Date: Sun, 24 Dec 2006 03:53:17 -0800
From: "Santa Claus" <redsuit69@northpoleonline.net>
TO:  "Richard Cheese" <lounge@richardcheese.com>
Subject: Re: Yo
Envelope-TO:  lounge@richardcheese.com

hey dick--

got your message, sorry I haven't replied sooner...been crazy busy with all the lists, the toys, and of course, the hos hos hos!! LOL.

all the elves say hello, they've been listening to your CDs in the workshop. make sure you send us your new album when it comes out----you can just send us one CD, then i'll burn copies for everyone. JUST KIDDING!

anyways, i know you've been good this year, so i'm bringing you pretty much everything on your list. i did have a couple questions/notes...

1) if i can't get you a solid gold microphone, is silver okay? i realize it won't match the cymbals, but i think it will be less gaudy, yes?
2) they don't sell sky vodka in a 50-gallon drum, i checked, the regular size bottles will have to do, hope that's cool.
3) i couldn't find a 1968 hot wheels mint redline deora in purple without the chapparal sticker, maybe try ebay?
4) your dry cleaners doesn't offer gift certificates, so i'm just going to bring
you 52 tuxedoes, you can just use one a week, then throw them away.
5) which jessica did you want? alba, biel, simpson, or rabbit?
5b) haven't forgotten about jennifer aniston from last year's wish list---not sure if she's sort of been there done that with the "Swingers" scene, but don't give up hope, she has your number. also, i've got a call in to the E.R. chick for you.
6) still working on the world peace thing, it's a very popular request, i'll keep you posted.
7) new president of the u.s. is on everyone's list...ask me again in 2008!

well, that's it for now....i have to go polish the sleigh, if you know what i mean. hope you have a great holiday season, give my regards to the band, a merry christmas to all, and to all a blah blah blah.

peace out,
$AnTa

p.s. mrs. claus says thanks for the I LOVE DICK thong...i changed it to
I LOVE ST. NICK, though! ha ha ha

► SUNNY SIDE OF THE MOON CD

Whether I'm strolling down a street, walking through a casino, or waking up in a whorehouse, I always feel so blessed when fans tell me how much they enjoy our music. I'm grateful and glad to hear their kind words, pose for a picture (even though the flash never ever ever ever EVER works), and answer their questions.

People always ask me, "Richard Cheese—is that your real name?" And I say, "Of course—why would I make up a name like that? What, are you an idiot?"
Many of my fans also ask me, "Hey Dick, if I'm going to have sex with one of your groupies, should I use a condom? Or two?"

But the question I hear most is, "How do you pick the songs for your CD's? What is it about a particular number that makes it right for your unique and trademarked brand of masterful swankification?"

Well, that's actually two questions. Nevertheless, I will answer them both, simultaneously, with this simple response: I don't know. I just don't know.
When we're looking for songs to interpret, I guess I'm searching for that something special: that unforgettable line, or phrase, or feel...that certain je nais parle pas which turns a simple song into an enduring standard. You won't find it in the sheet music, on the piano keys, or under the stage lights. It appears out of nowhere, like a long lost love; it whispers in your ear, kicks you in the guts, and sends you home with a note pinned to your heart which reads, "Remember," written with a Sharpee.

In other words, stop asking me this question, jerkface. Don't ask how the magic happens; don't try to figure out how they saw the lady in half; and don't call the cops just because I grabbed your girlfriend's chi-chi during the second set. Don't analyze it, man. Just trust it, live it, believe in The Cheese, and let the music and me do what we do best: lounge, baby.

Of course, when I say we, I am also referring to that talented team of seasoned musicians, recording engineers, and cocktail waitresses who have worked so hard to make it all sound so easy. To those dedicated professionals who have helped make all of those albums, concerts, broadcasts, and table dances possible, I say a heartfelt thank you, and I apologize again that I spent your paychecks on hooch. Whoops!

You know, in these crazy times, what with the hurricanes and earthquakes and tsunamis and Republicans, we must remember that, at least, the music is always there for us, and always will be. Wherever you go, whoever you do, there is, waiting faithfully for you at the end of the day, a great lyric, a memorable melody, and a happenin' tune. A beloved song is your loyal companion, your old standby, your home away from home, an ally in your corner. Yes, friends, you can always count on the music, the one language that everyone, everywhere understands. Are you listening, Gargamel?

And, so, with your permission, we've assembled a few of our favorite favorites for your listening pleasure. Some are old, some are new, and all of them are chock full of that swing thing that we bring. These are the songs that mean something to me, and I hope they become an important part of your life, too. So play them on your stereo, or your peapod, or whatever the hell you huffers are listening to these days...and let the music heal you.

Broke up with your gal? Listen to "Creep." Work got you down? Put on "People Equals Shit." Crushed by the repressive imperialistic crapitalism of a ruthless elitist theocracy? Try a little "Fight For Your Right (To Party)."

On some days, these songs may be the only lights you can find to help illuminate that big dark nightclub we call life. But that's okay...because even if the bar is closed, and the showgirls have gone home, I'll still be there to sing for you... and for me.

Remember....candy is dandy, liquor is quicker, but cheddar is better.

Your lounge singin' pal,

RC

P.S. Just because this is a Greatest Hits album doesn't mean you don't have to buy the rest of my CDs. Buy them, fuckers! Seriously! I am so broke it's pathetic! Do you know how much it costs to dry-clean a tiger-striped tuxedo thirty fucking times a year? Have you ever seen the bar tab after a gig with a full horn section? And let's not forget the private detectives, the antibiotics, and the bail bonds! Just go to my website, buy one of everything, and help me get the white devil off my back!

► I'D LIKE A VIRGIN CD

FROM THE DESK OF ##### #########

When Richard Cheese faxed to ask if I would write a letter for the liner notes of his next CD, I figured he was just trying to suck up to me so I would play his new record on K###.

That's the trouble with being a program director of a major market radio station---people never want #####, the individual; they always want ##### the PD, ##### the music whizkid, ##### the award-winning Senior Vice-President of Programming for ######## ############, and All-Powerful Industry Dominating Smash Sniffer. At the end of the workday, when the hit factory whistle blows five o'clock, I feel a little...used.

Sure, I've got an office full of gold records and chronic and autographed Gwen Stefani posters, but all that doesn't keep out the icy truth: When you sit in my chair, people treat you like a piece of meat....they never look you in the eye. Sometimes I feel like a woman, and my radio stations are my breasts. Actually, I felt that way before I even got into radio. Long story.

Anyway, it was a thrill to be invited to write these liner notes, and I am priveleged to help out my old friend Richard Cheese. But what Cheese doesn't know is that I'm NOT going to play his record. Not at all. I don't think it's very good. No one does. It's a total stiff. I mean, good luck getting airplay with this piece of shit, you know? Yikes!

But none of this will bother him. He's used to rejection, to hurt, to heartbreak. That's what he sings; that's the world in which he lives. And that's why this album of "loungified love songs from the 80's, 90's, and today" is all the more poignant: while the songs he sings are heartbreaking, so too is Cheese's failure to succeed with those songs, primarily because of the cold crushing hammer of corporate radio, which I swing proudly over my head like a mighty Viking warrior! HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Anyway, congratulations on the new CD, Dick! And quit calling me, fucker!

Cordially,

##### #########
Senior Vice-President of Programming, ######## ############

► TUXICITY CD

A LETTER FROM "TUXICITY" EXECUTIVE PRODUCER JACK MONTEREY

A tux. A microphone. A voice. These are his tools.

A room. A stage. A night. These are his office.

A one, a two, a three . . .
Ladies and Gentlemen . . .
Richard Cheese.

For what feels like years, Richard Cheese has been treating speakeasy audiences to his unique blend of belt and heartfelt, a journeyman saloonster's story told through lyrical imagery, vocal phrasing, and a lonesome spotlight in the wee small hours. Yes, there are the snazzy jackets, the tabloid stories, his notorious libido and on-stage tirades, but all of these belie the sensitively complex artiste behind the ever jostling highball.

Cheese's vibrant style and easy-going suave, as several critics have pointed out, are more than simply a projection of his personality. When Dick swings, he does it from way down inside, then when it hits the hi-fi, it's mellowed and restrained. Funny thing . . . you don't realize he's swinging until you start swinging. By then you know it's the real thing.

His measured smooth, his effortless control ญญ and those songs! Oh, those songs, chosen carefully by the singer himself from the brightest standard writers on the music charts, each tune selected because it fits the code, tells the story a different way, got under his skin or into his pocket. In the sauce of Dick's rich tones, these tunes kick off their shoes then kick out your guts. This is lounge music, sung from the heart, shot from the hip, and drunk from the dregs.

But what exactly is "lounge music" anyway? Is it music to be played while lounging? In a lounge? Or a combination of both? Or neither? Well, ask yourself another question: What is hamburger? Chopped ham? No, it's chopped steak.

And that's what Richard Cheese is all about. The contradiction. The conflict. The love-hate relationship with love and hate. He is smooth yet tough. He is easy but complicated. He is powerful 'n' tender. He is all or nothing, now and forever, sad and hopeful, last night and late December, head over heels and down in the dumps, lonely in a crowd and pals with the night. He's still carrying a torch for some gal somewhere . . . and perhaps, maybe, I wonder, is it a tiki torch?

Does its flame burn? Sure. Is the heat white hot? Of course. But where there's smoke, there's fire, and Richard Cheese is comfortable in a haze which might cause others to cough, but in fact makes this fella stronger. If all is fair in love and war, and war is hell, then don't be surprised to find a tuxedoed Dick strolling carefree along a Hades sidewalk under a certain old devil moon, whistling with lips that have been there, done that, save it, so long.

That celebrated ease of his is the result of mastery over the details of the craft, and on TUXICITY, you get to hear an old hand plying the musical waters in that craft, navigating us through a new "Golden Age" of songwriting. And rest assured, this will be quite a bon voyage, because the commander is at the wheel, snapping his fingers and hard to port.

With his sophomore LP, we present another collection of songs for swingin' slackers. These are the happenin' numbers that the kids are listening to ญญ old and new, hot and cool, blue and bluer ญญ and Richard Cheese and his Lounge Against The Machine trio (Bobby, Gordon, and Buddy) have swankified them with that traditional laid-back luxe pop vocal thing. And who is more suited to these arrangements, this style, this indigo mood (and vice versa) than Mr. Cheese? No one, Joe.

Dick's treatments of these songs speak to us. They speak for us. They ask questions, and then they answer them in complete sentences. They say something ญญ something important, something now, something wow. YES, I like big butts. YES, I'm hot for teacher. YES, I fell in love with a girl, and YES, she fucking hates me. These are the songs that tell the truth, that pull no punches, that ring our bells, that make the whole world sing. And isn't that what the world needs now? A little singin', a little snappin', a little Dick?

Just ask the performers who have begged "The Velveeta Fog" to sing their songs. And ask the countless listeners in radio land why they tune in with such frequency (!) for their dose of Dick. You'll find the answer at the top of a chart, at the front of a bar, at the edge of the beat, under it, beside it, on it, working it, selling it, saving the receipt and then returning it . . . you'll find it in that Voice.

When Cheese is singing, we are listening to the music, but hearing something more. Thanks to RC's honest pipes, when a Mystikal invites us to "Shake [Our] Ass," or when a System Of A Down orders us the "Chop Suey," we wonder if we are listening to the song ญญ or are we living it? Is Dick singing about me? Is that lyric telling my story? Is it me who needs to "relax"? Am I really "insane" in the "membrane," and subsequently, "insane" in the "brain?" Am I a "loser," "baby"? Or, are we all?

Yes...unless you're Richard Cheese. But you aren't, because only one cat is lucky enough to be, and that's him. That's Dick.

I am reminded of a musical question, posed so innocently and so many years ago by that gifted lyricist of the pop combo Weezer, Mr. Mario Cuomo, who asked, "What's with these homies dissin' my girl?"

In these times of worry and wonder, let us answer that query with a reverie. Let us take a trip away from the hustle bustle of the workaday world, to a far away bar lined with bottles and dreams. There, in the corner, standing on a stage, alone, is the lounge singer. He doesn't want to be there, but he has no place else to go. He's wearing a tiger-striped tux, gripping a martini like a gun, and crooning his heart out. He's singing for all of us, and singing for himself at the same time. You need him. And he needs you.
And another drink. Buy him it.

ญญ Jack Monterey, Executive Producer
September 2002*

* special thanks to Perry Como for liner notes inspiration

► TUXICITY CD

A NOTE FROM RICHARD CHEESE ABOUT MUSIC PIRACY

Dear Friend:

Unauthorized reproduction of this audio recording is a violation of applicable copyright laws.  Please do not "rip" the "cuts" off this "disc" and then "burn" them on to "CDR" because that would be "illegal" and we would have to "kick" your "ass."  Indeed, any copying, duplication, redistribution, uploading, downloading, emailing, MP3ing, Napsterring, dubbing, and/or otherwise scamming of this CD is music piracy and that truly hurts the recording artist and it is unethical, evil, and you suck if you do it, because man, we spent a shit load of dough making this album and we really need the CDs to sell bigtime so that we can recoup the investment and also I gotta pay for all those dinners last year with that one girl who seemed really interested at first, you know, with all the lovey-dovey stuff, saying she had never felt that with anyone before, and we both knew she wasn't lying this time, and she's back every weekend for more, and it seems like it's going somewhere, but then the phone suddenly stops ringing, and she drops me cold without any explanation and I'm left eating two 49cent tacos on a Friday night, sitting alone in my car in a parking lot somewheres, listening to a worn-out Sinatra CD, not crying, but not exactly smiling either, you know what I mean, Charlie?  Oh, and by the way, I didn't steal THAT CD, did I?  Nope.  I PAY for CDs with MONEY.  So quit fucking stealing our music, bzitch!

► LOUNGE AGAINST THE MACHINE CD

A LETTER FROM RICHARD CHEESE

Ladies and Gentlemen––

In the summer of 1984, a friend gave me a cassette of an album
called GUMBOOTS ACCORDION JIVE HITS, VOLUME II. But I digress.

How about those kids today with their rock music, huh? They're
mad at something alright, but I guess it's hard for us squares
to figure out just what!

But you know, folks, underneath their vitriolic veneer of
cacophonous angst and anarchist posturing can be often found
charming lyrics, soaring melodies, and sophisticated imagery that
hark(s) back to the golden era of the American standard. These are
songs that have that special thing happening, man, no matter how
loud they're being shrieked by the punks with the tats.

And so, with your permission, we've selected some select
selections from what my homey Tony Bennett might call "The Great
Alternative Songbook," and performed them in our own snappy––-and
perhaps Grammy-worthy-––style, something we call "standards
operating procedure." Yes, we're sharing their rage...and loving it!

We only hope that by exposing these relatively obscure groups and
their "tracks" to a wider audience, we can somehow connect the
youth of tomorrow, what with their hoverpants and atomic cups, to
the music of yesterday, and/or last Tuesday evening. So, sit back
in your IKEA Poang chair, dim the clapper, turn up your Hi-Fi set,
and listen as we lounge against the machine.

––Richard Cheese, September 2000

  click to enlarge

---

 

 

 

LOUNGE OF FAME

Each year on Valentine's Day, Richard Cheese inducts a famous lounge singer into the Lounge Hall Of Fame.

 

► 2005:  FRANK SINATRA
► The man, the music, the myth...the original lounge singer.

Ladies and gentlemen...Francis Albert Sinatra.

Born in New Jersey in 1915, Frank Sinatra got his start singing on the radio in the 1930's and swinging with big bands in the 1940's.  By the next decade, he was a vocal superstar, with a legion of Bobbysoxer teen fans swooning for his crooning.  Soon "The Voice" stepped into TV appearances and movie roles, starring in musicals, mysteries, comedies, and dramas, even winning an Oscar for his work in "From Here To Eternity."  When the 1960's rolled around, Sinatra was the biggest name in mainstream music, selecting the best songs, collaborating with the best arrangers, and making the best recordings of the century.

It was around this time that Frank and his showbiz pals established their Rat Pack and laid down the laws of lounge:  liquor, libido, and laughs.  Frank lived it up with wild shows in Vegas casinos, inside jokes on Hollywood movie sets, late nights in snazzy bars, and whirlwind relationships with Ava Gardner, Mia Farrow, Marilyn Monroe, Jack Daniels, the mob, and the JFK presidential campaign.  Against the backdrop of post-war daze, cold war drama, and Vietnam war discord, Sinatra was a superhero role model for grownups; casual and confident, talented but tough, sophisticated yet sophomoric.

The carefree camaraderie of The Chairman and his Board is what lounge is all about:  let's forget our troubles, get happy, and have a gang of fun while we're still young.  But beyond the brash and bubbly and babes, it was always about the music.  Sinatra had a style and a delivery that worked in every era, on every ear.  He held notes and audiences captive, letting them inside his guts for brief moments, sending them away into nights that were both lonesome and lovely.  Most songs are love songs, some happy, most sad; Frank Sinatra sang them all, and made them his own, unforgettable, and ours, forever.

While his career cooled in the 1970's, Sinatra remained the original rockstar of song, stage, and screen, outlasting Elvis Presley, Jack Benny, Bing Crosby, John Lennon, Gene Kelly, and Dean Martin.  By then a living legend, Ol' Blue Eyes retreated to his Palm Springs pad and gave us a few comeback concerts, retrospective boxed sets, and TV cameos before he faced his final curtain in 1998.

Today, he is ever remembered for his artistry, his presence, and the everlasting echo of his voice:  low, longing, and telling everyone's story with a song, a drink, and a broken heart.

Here's to the first and last lounge singer, Frank Sinatra.

---Richard Cheese, February 2005

Essential CDs:
In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning, Sinatra and Swingin' Brass, Live In Paris, 80th Birthday Collection, Live At The Sands, Sinatra & Sextet In Paris

Essential DVDs:
From Here To Eternity, The Manchurian Candidate, On The Town, Ocean's Eleven, High Society, Guys And Dolls, Sinatra: A Man And His Music

Essential Books:
Frank Sinatra: An American Legend by Nancy Sinatra, The Way You Wear Your Hat by Bill Zehme

 

► 2006:  DEAN MARTIN
► The coolest cat in the rat pack.

His real name was Dino Crocetti, but by the 1950's his stage name Dean Martin was synonymous with suave, cigarettes, serenading, and sauce---but not the spaghetti kind.

It was Dino's drinking that defined his persona, the smashed smart aleck who could hold his liquor and hold his own next to Sinatra, Sammy, and the rest of the rats in 1960's Vegas.  Sometimes pretending to be bombed, other times literally oblivious to his surroundings, Dean Martin served up a brand of lackadaisical lounge singer that combined spoof and aloof with 80 proof talent.

It was that talent that made him one of America's most beloved stars.  He started on radio in the 1940's, and after connecting with comedian Jerry Lewis, he became the singing straight man in one of the most successful comedy teams in film.  Throughout the fifties and sixties, Martin grew as a hitmaking heartthrob (he knocked The Beatles off the charts with "Everybody Loves Somebody"), high-paid TV series host (NBC gave him $25,000 per episode, unheard of in 1965), and movie idol, trading in Jerry Lewis for the likes of Marlon Brando, John Wayne, and of course, Frank Sinatra.

 

It was with that Rat Pack that Dean's automatic smooth and natural ease shone their brightest.  He not only sang, but he also had flawless comedy timing and an unforgettable stage presence (sometimes he'd throw a lighted cigarette butt behind him, then cover his ears as if a grenade was about to explode).  And when he sang, his voice was warm, gentle, soft, sweet, never belting, but always melting the hearts of his fans.  He put out dozens of albums of romantic ballads, swing numbers, pop standards, Italian folk songs, and Cowboy trail songs.  I've never heard a bad Dean Martin song; he was just that good.

By the 1970's, Dean was the clown prince of the vocal music scene, and he reached a whole new audience with his "Dean Martin Celebrity Roast" TV specials.  True, they were packed with camp, cheese, schmooze, and booze, but they were also packed with the very biggest names in show business, who showed up whenever Dino called.

As he grew older, he still had wild nights, but he would often call the cops on his own parties when he got tired of his guests!  He did a few movie cameos late in his career ("Cannonball Run" anyone?), toured with Sinatra and Sammy one last time in the 1980's, and continued to make memorable appearances on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson (one time, prankster Dino tapped his cigarette ashes into George Gobel's coffee mug).

It was those cigarettes that took Dino off the stage in 1995.  He will always be remembered for his style, his smile, and his laid-back charm.

Let's raise our martinis and microphones...here's a toast to the great Dean Martin.

---Richard Cheese, February 2005

► 2007:  SAMMY DAVIS, JR.
► The Rat Pack's triple threat.

 

Sammy.  That's all I need to say.

---Richard Cheese, February 2007

► 2008:  TONY BENNETT
► The lounge singer's lounge singer.

 

In 1995, I was backstage after a Tony Bennett concert.  We had worked together a few years earlier, so I walked up to Tony to re-introduce myself and say hello.  Here was the exchange:

RC:  Hi, Tony, how are you doing?
TB:  Hey!
RC:  That was a great show!
TB:  Wow!

---Richard Cheese, February 2008

video temporarily unavailable

"CHEESE SHOP" SCRIPT

A MAN (played by John Cleese) walks down a street and stops in front of "Ye Old Cheese Emporium," noticing a sign outside that reads, "Henry Wensleydale, Purveyor of Fine Cheese to the Gentry, and the Poverty Stricken Too," and another sign which reads "Licensed For Public Dancing."  The MAN enters, and notices two men dressed in traditional garb dancing as a Bouzouki player strums.  The MAN approaches the counter and rings the service bell.  The OWNER (played by Michael Palin) enters.

OWNER:  Morning, Sir?

MAN:  Morning. Um, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herries' by Horace (sic; "Hugh") Walpole, when I suddenly came over all peckish.

OWNER:  Peckish, sir?

MAN:  Esurient.

OWNER:  Eh?

MAN:  EE, I WERE ALL 'UNGRY-LIKE!

OWNER:  Ah, hungry!

MAN:  In a nutshell.  So I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick.'  So, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

OWNER:  Come again?

MAN:  I WANT TO BUY SOME CHEESE!

OWNER:  Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music!

MAN:  Oh, heaven forbid; I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

OWNER:  Sorry?

MAN:  AH LAHK A NICE DANCE, YER FORSHTEE!

VIKING (CAMEO): Anyway!

OWNER:  Who said that?

MAN:  Now, my good man, some cheese please!

OWNER:  Yes, certainly, sir.  What would you like?

MAN:  Well, uh, how about a little Red Leicester.

OWNER:  I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.

MAN:  Oh, never mind. How are you on, uh, Tilsit?

OWNER:  Never at the end of the week, sir, always get it fresh first thing on Monday.

MAN:  Tish tish.  No matter.  Um, well, four ounces of Caerphilly, then, if you please, stout yeoman.

OWNER:  Ah!  Well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir.  Was expecting it this morning...

MAN:  Yes, it's not my day, is it?  Aah, Bel Paese?

OWNER:  Sorry.

MAN:  Red Windsor?

OWNER:  Uh, normally, sir, yes.   But today the van broke down.

MAN:  Ah.  Uh, Stilton?

OWNER:  Sorry.

MAN:  Gruyere?  Emmental?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Any Norwegian Jarlsberger?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Liptauer?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Lancashire?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  White Stilton?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Danish Blue?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Double Gloucester?

OWNER:  (pause) No.

MAN:  Cheshire?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Any Dorset Blue Vinney?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Brie, Roquefort---

OWNER:  No...

MAN:  ---Pont-l'Eveque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Boursin, Bresse Bleu, Perle de Champagne, Camembert?

OWNER:  Ah!  We do have some Camembert, sir!

MAN:  You do!  Excellent!

OWNER:  It's a...bit runny.

MAN:  Oh, oh, I like it runny!

OWNER:  Well, as a matter of fact it's...it's very runny, sir.

MAN:  No matter, no matter! Hand over la fromage de la Belle France qui s'appelle Camembert, s'il vous plait!

OWNER:  I think it's runnier than you like it, sir.

MAN:  I don't care how excrementally runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

OWNER:  Yes sir!  (then)  Ohhh!!

MAN:  What?

OWNER:  The cat's eaten it.

MAN:  Has he?

OWNER:  She, sir.

(pause)

MAN:  Gouda?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Edam?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Caithness?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Smoked Austrian?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Sage Darby?

OWNER:  No sir.

MAN:  You...do have some cheese, do you?

OWNER:  Certainly, sir!  It's a cheese shop, sir!  We've got uh---

MAN:  No no no no!  No, don't tell me.  I'm keen to guess.

OWNER:  Fair enough.

MAN:  Wensleydale?

OWNER:  Yes sir?

MAN:  Splendid!  Well, I'll have some of that then please!

OWNER:  Oh!  I'm sorry sir, I thought you were referring to me...Mister Wensleydale.

(pause)

MAN:  Gorgonzola?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Parmesan?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Mozzarella?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Pippo Creme?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Any Danish Fimboe?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Czechoslovakian sheep's milk cheese, perhaps?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

OWNER:  Not today, sir, no.

MAN:  Well, let's keep it simple.  Um, how about Cheddar?

OWNER:  Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for it 'round these parts, sir.

MAN:  Not much call---It's the single most popular cheese in the world!?!

OWNER:  Not 'round these parts, sir.

MAN:  And pray what is the most popular cheese 'round these parts?

OWNER:  Ilchester, sir.

MAN:  I see.

OWNER:  Yes, sir, it's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.

MAN:  Is it?

OWNER:  Yes, sir, it's our number one seller.

MAN:  Is it?

OWNER:  Yes, sir.

MAN:  Ilchester, eh?

OWNER:  Right.

MAN:  Okay, I'm game.  'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'No'.

OWNER:  I'll have a look, sir.  Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...No.

MAN:  It's not much of a cheese shop, really, is it?

OWNER:  Finest in the district, sir!

MAN:  And what leads you to that conclusion?

OWNER:  Well, it's so clean!

MAN:  Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.

OWNER:  You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.

MAN:  Is it worth it?

OWNER:  Could be.

MAN:  Okay, have you -- WILL YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY DANCING UP!?!!

(The men stop dancing.)

OWNER:  I told you so!

MAN:  Ahem.  Have you got any Limburger?

OWNER:  No.

MAN:  No, that figures.  No...pretty predictable, really.  It was an act of pure optimism to have posed the question in the first place.  Uh, tell me something...do you have any cheese at all?

OWNER:  Yes, sir!

MAN:  Now, I'm going to ask you that question once more.  And if you say 'No,' I'm going to shoot you through the head.  Now, do you have any cheese at all?

OWNER:  No.

(The MAN takes out a gun and shoots the OWNER, who dies.)

MAN:  What a senseless waste of human life.
 

(C) Copyright 1972 Monty Python's Flying Circus.  Reprinted with no permission whatsoever.
 

DICK'S "SAY WHAT? KARAOKE" DIARY

In 2001, Richard Cheese & Lounge Against The Machine appeared as the House Band on 25+ episodes of MTV's "Say What? Karaoke" series.  Hosted by former New Kid On The Block Joey McIntyre, and co-hosted by RC, the show featured showgirls, celebrity judges, and dozens of teens performing their own singing and dancing tributes to the big hit songs of the day.  The program was taped in Las Vegas at The Luxor Hotel, and aired on MTV throughout the year.

Below are excerpts from RC's personal tour diary from those fabulous days and nights.

Here are some of Richard Cheese's favorite messages, emails, and comments from fans.

► EMAILS - Here are some emails from fans.  Email addresses have been omitted, and real last names have been stricken.

From: "Douglas W#######" <>
TOWNER:  <lounge@richardcheese.com>
Subject: RC FanMail for Dick
Date: Thu, 4 May 2006 16:10:13 -0700

I absolutely LOVE listening to you go off the hook at the end of DOME.  Nothing has made my laugh harder in the last 10 years than listening to you saying, "and FUCK THIS CAT (meeowwrr!!) and FUCK THIS DOOR!!! (CRASH!) etc. etc.

thanks so fucking much, Richard Fucking Cheeeese.

Your pal and total stranger,

Douglas Fucking W#######

Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2006 13:04:09 -0800 (PST)
From: logan <>
Subject: Idea for a song to do.
TOWNER:  lounge@richardcheese.com

Forever by The Berzerker, here are the lyrics just to give you an idea of how funny a louge singer version of it would be.

Always living on the line of what you think is right or wrong,
there was a time when even i could not bear to be alone,
needing someone or something that is not mine to call my own,
to have and hold,
severing the only line of trust that you once thought you had,
now that i can see past you i can start to be a man,
death to me seems no mistake for i have yet to hate,
so can you see my pain, can you feel my pain, can you see my...
this, is my world,
and i see, what you don't,
forever, wanting more,
life breathes, from our soul,
looking into bloodshot eyes mesmerized they can't look back,
slowly turning in my mind is the visions of your death,
finding truth amongst my lies but not accepting now i grow,
and gain control,
opening to inner sanctums that you do not understand,
having no respect for life and taking it with my bare hands,
always searching with contempt for ways to rid my pounding head,
from this place,
This, is my world,
and i see, what you don't,
forever, wanting more,
life breathes, from our souls.

Plus at one point it has a spoken part that says something about raping a headless corpse or something.

From: "Nick H######" <>
TOWNER:  lounge@richardcheese.com
Subject: Fan Club, damnit
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2006 21:32:54 -0700

My wife hates Vegas.

But she'll make an exception for you and the boys. And that's not a euphemism for your twig and berries. Just means she likes your music.

Alright, this email has already betrayed far too much information.

Keep swingin', boys.
H

From: "William Scott L####### III" <>
TOWNER:  <lounge@richardcheese.com>
Subject: Please don't retire from touring
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2005 18:39:16 -0600

Dick,

  I know the world is, and can be, an awful place sometimes. Having you in it, and being able to look forward to your performances really does make it just a little bit brighter. I agree with, and support your call to action, not just for New Orleans, but for all the downtrodden, and disadvantaged. So please, consider taking a short break, rather than actually retiring. To quote your own Executive Producer, Jack Monterey, "Or else I'll come after you with a fucking bayonet."
 

With much love and respect,

William Scott Lockwood III

P.S. - love the autographed CD set! Worth every penny, and them some.

---

From: "Matt W#####" <>
TOWNER:  lounge@richardcheese.com
Subject: G'day Rikardo
Date: Thu, 08 Jun 2006 23:56:16 +0930

Date: Thu, 17 Aug 2006 03:04:39 -0700
From: <>
TOWNER:  <lounge@richardcheese.com>

From: "Patrick N#####" <>
TOWNER:  <lounge@richardcheese.com>
Subject: RC FanMail for Dick
Date: Fri, 17 Jun 2005 19:39:08 -0700

Here are press releases from previous Richard Cheese CD releases.

► RICHARD CHEESE - OFFICIAL BIO
► Please see our "PRESSKIT" page.

► "I'D LIKE A VIRGIN" - 2004 PRESS RELEASE

RICHARD CHEESE
SAVES MUSIC INDUSTRY
WITH NEW CD RELEASE
"I'D LIKE A VIRGIN"

(LAS VEGAS) - Lounge singer Richard Cheese is back in front of the microphone with I'D LIKE A VIRGIN, his all-new CD featuring 18 uncensored lounge-style remakes of rock, rap, and pop hits.

With his jazzy Lounge Against The Machine band and his trademark tiger-striped tuxedo, the liquored-up Las Vegas legend "swankifies" contemporary hits into traditional pop vocal standards.  Songs like Snoop Dogg's GIN & JUICE, Coldplay's YELLOW, Outkast's HEY YA and Jet's ARE YOU GONNA BE MY GIRL all get the lounge treatment as Dick mixes up his third album of kooky covers for cocktail lovers.

I'D LIKE A VIRGIN also offers Vegas versions of tunes originally by Motley Crue, Depeche Mode, Kelis, Green Day, Madonna, Blink182, Ludacris, Crazy Town, The Clash, Lords Of Acid, and Slayer.  Plus, the CD includes a tribute to Siegfried & Roy, cameos by Dick Clark and Howard Stern, and a croony cover of Michael Jackson's BEAT IT featuring Dick duetting with a children's choir.

Richard Cheese & Lounge Against The Machine have gained fame as the house band on NBC's Last Call with Carson Daly (live in Vegas this May/June), and have appeared on CNN, Fox News Channel's Fox & Friends, MTV's Say What Karaoke series, SPIKE-TV, and the soundtrack of the motion picture "DAWN OF THE DEAD."

Dick's first two CDs, "Lounge Against The Machine" and "Tuxicity," won raves from critics, and his songs continue to air on radio stations like KROQ, Z100, Q101, and hundreds of others coast to coast.  The band plays to sellout crowds from Las Vegas to London, including gigs at the Universal Amphitheater with the Brian Setzer Orchestra, the Playboy Mansion, and Blink182 drummer Travis Barker's wedding.  This Spring, Cheese hits the road on his 2004 "HAIL TO THE CHEESE" farewell tour, followed by a reunion tour a few weeks later.

The I'D LIKE A VIRGIN CD is available wherever music is sold.  Song samples, booking info, and tour dates can be found at the band's official website:  richardcheese.com

► "TUXICITY" - 2002 PRESS RELEASE

RICHARD CHEESE
& LOUNGE AGAINST THE MACHINE
RELEASE "TUXICITY" CD
ON SALE ON-LINE AT
richardcheese.com

(LAS VEGAS) America's loudest lounge singer Richard Cheese is back in black tie with "TUXICITY," an all-new CD featuring kooky lounge-style covers of rock hits.  With his swingin' Lounge Against The Machine band, the finger-snapping, liquor-lapping, night-capping crooner has turned another round of rock songs into traditional pop vocal standards.  The CD is on-sale on-line at richardcheese.com, at HOT TOPIC stores, and wherever music is sold.

While his critically-acclaimed 2000 CD "Lounge Against The Machine" showcased lounge music interpretations of alternative songs, "TUXICITY" spreads the Cheese wider with 18 uncensored selections from the alternative, rap, pop, Eighties, and classic rock charts.  "We hope these new tunes will attract an even bigger audience," says Cheese, "and that equals more free drinks for me and the band."

From The White Stripes to White Zombie, from Linkin Park to Cypress Hill, from Guns 'N Roses to Britney Spears, "TUXICITY" is a "fromage homage" to the biggest names in music.  "There are so many wonderful songs that the kids are listening to these days," continues Cheese, "and it's a kick to swankify them with that swing thing that we bring.  Waitress, can I get another one of these, please? And not so much ice this time."

Indeed, "TUXICITY" is the perfect mix of music, martini, and madcap as Dick delivers shaken and stirring Vegas versions of popular hits like "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot, "She Hates Me" by Puddle Of Mudd, "Chop Suey" by System Of A Down, "Shake Ya Ass" by Mystikal, and "Hot For Teacher" by Van Halen.  While the album does contain explicit, uncensored, and downright offensive lyrics, "bleeped" versions of the songs are available on promotional CD for broadcast and children's parties. A complete track list follows.

Richard Cheese & Lounge Against The Machine have performed their special brand of cover-age on NBC's Last Call With Carson Daly, CNN, Fox News Channel's Fox & Friends Morning Program, The Howard Stern Show, and MTV's Say What Karaoke as the series house band.  Radio stations like KROQ, LIVE105, Z100, Q101, HFS, and hundreds of others are also down with the Dickness, as Richard's cheese receives regular major market airplay on morning shows and nightly top-request countdowns coast to coast.

Sporting his tiger-striped tuxedo and racing-striped libido, Cheese is touring the nation on his "One Nation Under Dick" tour, which takes the Los Angeles-based band to big gigs in NYC, Philly, DC, SF, Boston, Baltimore, Portland, Seattle, Vegas, and beyond. RC & LATM recently opened for The Brian Setzer Orchestra at the Universal Amphitheater, and are currently headlining Sunday nights at Sunset Station Casino in Las Vegas.  They've also played huge radio station concerts like the KROQ Acoustic Christmas, HFS Nutcracker, Y100's Feztival, and 91X X-Fest, plus they entertained at Blink182 drummer Travis Barker's wedding.  Tour and booking info can be found at Dick's website, richardcheese.com.

The "TUXICITY" CD is on sale on-line at richardcheese.com, and is also available at the band's concerts and selected record stores nationwide.  The CD is also on-sale at HOT TOPIC stores throughout the USA.

For interviews, promotional CDs, downloadable images, and drink recipes, please see contact info above.